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“The wolf that bites (after being beaten)”
A reflection for those who live, work, and lead people.
“They beat the wolf until it bites them and then they say it is bad.”
Perhaps you have already read or heard this phrase somewhere else, in fact it is not at all my phrase.
When I read this quote in a book on emotional intelligence, a light bulb immediately went off in my head. How many times have I seen this happen… and surely I have also been that wolf.
In work, in relationships, in teams: someone reacts badly and immediately the chorus rises — “What’s wrong with him? He’s always argumentative. He’s difficult. He’s aggressive. He should be removed.”
However, no one asks what happened before.
Yet it is simple: if you kick a dog, sooner or later it will bite you. But when it happens, no one looks at the kicks. They only look at the teeth.
In coaching, one of the first things you learn is that visible behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. The real causes lie beneath.
A strong reaction, perhaps even unpleasant, is often the end of a long sequence of frustrations, unlistened grievances, silent humiliations.
But those are not seen, because they are made of glances, silences, jokes, exclusions. And so it is easier to blame the one who raised their voice, not the one who turned off listening months ago.
It also happens (especially) in teams
In companies, this is the order of the day.
There is always a person who “doesn’t fit in,” “is heavy,” “creates tension.” But no one asks where that tension comes from.
Maybe it’s the only one who has noticed an injustice.
Or who says what others think but do not dare.
Or who is tired of doing the work of others while all the credit goes to someone else.
And then at some point, they explode. They say one word too many. They send an overly direct email. They slam the door.
And voilà: “the team’s problem.”
But the problem, often, is in the system
Many times, the one who reacts is not the problem. They are the signal that there is a problem.
And if we ignore it, or worse, punish it, we are silencing an alarm bell.
Instead, we should ask ourselves: what has this person experienced? What brought them here? What has not been listened to?
This does not mean justifying every outburst. But understanding it, yes.
Because when we change the way we look at people, they often change too.
If you are a leader, you have a choice!
You have a position that can break this pattern.
You can choose to ask “what happened?” instead of saying “that’s not how it’s done!”.
You can create spaces where people do not have to bite to be heard.
Where confrontation is safe, even if uncomfortable.
Where those who bring discomfort are welcomed, not punished.
And you know what happens when this happens? The wolves stop biting. Because they are no longer afraid.
I leave you with a question: who are you judging today without knowing what they have been through?
Maybe they are not bad.
Maybe they are just tired of being silently beaten.
Coaching Box – And what can you do, concretely?
Curiosity is more useful than judgment.
“I see you seem a bit tense lately. Would you like to tell me what’s going on?”
Often it is enough to open a space to defuse months of frustration.
Be silent. Look into their eyes. Make space. It is already half the work.
Your team does not need superheroes. It needs human spaces. It needs you in all your being!
Until next time,
Massimo Diodato
Perhaps you have already read or heard this phrase somewhere else, in fact it is not at all my phrase.
When I read this quote in a book on emotional intelligence, a light bulb immediately went off in my head. How many times have I seen this happen… and surely I have also been that wolf.
In work, in relationships, in teams: someone reacts badly and immediately the chorus rises — “What’s wrong with him? He’s always argumentative. He’s difficult. He’s aggressive. He should be removed.”
However, no one asks what happened before.
Yet it is simple: if you kick a dog, sooner or later it will bite you. But when it happens, no one looks at the kicks. They only look at the teeth.
In coaching, one of the first things you learn is that visible behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. The real causes lie beneath.
A strong reaction, perhaps even unpleasant, is often the end of a long sequence of frustrations, unlistened grievances, silent humiliations.
But those are not seen, because they are made of glances, silences, jokes, exclusions. And so it is easier to blame the one who raised their voice, not the one who turned off listening months ago.
It also happens (especially) in teams
In companies, this is the order of the day.
There is always a person who “doesn’t fit in,” “is heavy,” “creates tension.” But no one asks where that tension comes from.
Maybe it’s the only one who has noticed an injustice.
Or who says what others think but do not dare.
Or who is tired of doing the work of others while all the credit goes to someone else.
And then at some point, they explode. They say one word too many. They send an overly direct email. They slam the door.
And voilà: “the team’s problem.”
But the problem, often, is in the system
Many times, the one who reacts is not the problem. They are the signal that there is a problem.
And if we ignore it, or worse, punish it, we are silencing an alarm bell.
Instead, we should ask ourselves: what has this person experienced? What brought them here? What has not been listened to?
This does not mean justifying every outburst. But understanding it, yes.
Because when we change the way we look at people, they often change too.
If you are a leader, you have a choice!
You have a position that can break this pattern.
You can choose to ask “what happened?” instead of saying “that’s not how it’s done!”.
You can create spaces where people do not have to bite to be heard.
Where confrontation is safe, even if uncomfortable.
Where those who bring discomfort are welcomed, not punished.
And you know what happens when this happens? The wolves stop biting. Because they are no longer afraid.
I leave you with a question: who are you judging today without knowing what they have been through?
Maybe they are not bad.
Maybe they are just tired of being silently beaten.
Coaching Box – And what can you do, concretely?
- Suspend judgment.
Curiosity is more useful than judgment.
- Ask instead of assuming.
“I see you seem a bit tense lately. Would you like to tell me what’s going on?”
Often it is enough to open a space to defuse months of frustration.
- Listen with all your being.
Be silent. Look into their eyes. Make space. It is already half the work.
- Train yourself to read the context, not just the behavior.
- Build an environment where there is no need to “bite.”
Your team does not need superheroes. It needs human spaces. It needs you in all your being!
Until next time,
Massimo Diodato